Tears

"The weary soul, burdened and broken, lifts its cry to the heavens. In the darkness, it remembers the promise: 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest' (Matthew 11:28). Though its tears fall like rain, the Lord's hand reaches down to catch them, for He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' (Deuteronomy 31:6). The soul learns that even in the valley of despair, God walks beside it, a shepherd guiding His sheep. And in its surrender, the tired soul finds that the cry is not for despair but for renewal—an echo of hope that whispers, 'Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles' (Isaiah 40:31)."*

Yesterday was... Hard.

Usually if I say a day is hard, it's because I'm in pain or feeling sick. While I am having some pain, this was different.

I don't consider myself to be an overly emotional person. I mean, I am a woman, so obviously I have emotions, but I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I'm usually cool, calm, and collected; the one always trying to keep everyone else calm and happy.

I felt so overwhelmed yesterday, though. I didn't know why, but I was just a wreck; my nerves were so on edge. I was sitting in my bed, as usual, and just started crying. Everyone was asking what's wrong and all I could say is "I don't know." this happened multiple times and I still had no conscious explanation for what the heck was wrong with me. Pull yourself together, Amber! I'm so hard on myself.

Today, I've been constantly thinking about it, trying to analyze it as I tend to do in any aspect of life. I'm a very happy person, so why did I feel so down yesterday? Could it be some medication interaction? I have a UTI, is that why? Then I thought some more, and I think I've come to the right conclusion.

Being an intelligent adult living with a disability is hard. Harder than I ever let on. Who really wants to hear a sad story anyway, right? At least that's what I thought. Don't show mental vulnerability, don't cry in front of the doctor who just broke my heart with the diagnosis he just dropped in my lap, don't show anything other than strength and grace. It catches up to you. I have to order my prescriptions; I have to put my order in for my monthly medical supplies. I have to email the doctor again about some new issue I'm battling. They still aren't giving me the right trachs. The nurse called out so I'm scrambling to find coverage. The nursing supervisor has to come do her assessment. The respiratory therapist is coming out tomorrow to check all my equipment. They won't fix my suction machine because it's not from their company, so now I'm screwed. The feeding pump went up again, I'll send some texts while trying to calculate the number of drops to help the nurse dial the amount into the gravity bag. It's never ending, and I'm honestly not complaining; but I do more from my bed/wheelchair than anyone can imagine. Staying as healthy as possible is my full-time job. I spend half of my monthly Disability check on vitamins and supplements - anything that might help me feel better and have some energy. And honestly, I think I handle everything like a boss. That doesn't mean it's easy, though.

I think the reason yesterday was hard is because my spirit was tired. I think that some of those unconscious emotions had to come to the surface, and that's what happened. I'm slowly coming to the realization that it's OK to cry sometimes, so long as you get back up and brush yourself off when you're done. The Bible says that God collects our tears, and that is a very comforting thought. Even our tears have a purpose. Wouldn't it be cool to see what our Heavenly Father makes with them? Nothing less than something absolutely extraordinary; of this, I am sure.

Until next time,

Amber

🖤